For most of my life, I believed some version of this story:
If I don’t feel the pain/push/strive, I’m probably not working hard enough.
Maybe that’s a Gen X thing. Or maybe it’s an athlete thing. We were raised on grit, independence, and a healthy suspicion of comfort. We learned to push through the pain, figure it out, and carry more than our share. The reward was (over) achievement. The cost was harder to see.
Over the last three years, I found myself living inside a paradox that many leaders know intimately. I was building a business I love and serving extraordinary clients, doing meaningful work. At the same time, I was actively parenting adult children, supporting my family, and walking alongside my mother living with dementia.
Every role mattered.
Every responsibility felt important.
Every day demanded emotional depth.
What I discovered was that the challenge wasn’t balanced. I stopped believing balance exists a long time ago. Life isn’t a scale where everything receives equal attention. Life is more of a blend. Different seasons require different levels of energy, focus, and presence.
The real challenge was pace.
The pace required to hustle and grow a business often conflicted with the pace required to care for people. The pace required to achieve often conflicted with the pace required for presence. And somewhere along the way, I realized I wasn’t just managing competing priorities. I was wrestling with competing identities.
The ambitious entrepreneur.
The devoted daughter.
The engaged parent.
The trusted advisor.
The woman who is trying to figure out what matters most in this season of life.
For many high-capacity leaders, this is the hidden trap. We become so skilled at carrying responsibility that we lose our ability to distinguish between growth and hustle/pace/the “right” growth.
- Not every opportunity deserves a yes.
- Not every client needs to be pursued.
- Not every expansion is aligned with the life we’re trying to create.
- Not every decision is the right one for this season.
The question shifts from “How do I do more/achieve more?” to “What is most important right now?”
That shift changed everything. I began paying attention to what sociologist Ray Oldenburg called the “third place”, the spaces outside of work and home where people connect, restore, and experience community. While Oldenburg was writing about coffee shops, parks, and gathering spaces, I found my interpretation more personal.
I needed a third space inside my own day. For just me. Not another task. Not another goal. A place to breathe. Lunch in the sunshine. A walk around the block between meetings. Twenty minutes of meditation before touching my phone. A quiet cup of tea without multitasking. Small moments that reminded me I was a human who is being, not simply a machine for producing outcomes. These moments became non-negotiables. Ironically, they didn’t reduce my effectiveness. They increased my effectiveness. And added a jolt of joy. They created space to think clearly, lead intentionally, and distinguish urgency from importance.
Most leaders I know aren’t suffering from a lack of ambition.
They’re suffering from ambition without rhythm. They’re chasing growth without asking whether that growth serves the life they actually want. The older I get, the less interested I am in growth for growth’s sake. I’m interested in meaningful growth. Productive growth. Sustainable growth. The kind of growth that expands impact without shrinking the fullness of life I want to experience. Because success loses something when it costs us our health, our relationships, our joy, (our travel plans), or our presence.
The question isn’t whether we’re capable of carrying more. Many of us already know we can. The better questions are:
- What if leadership isn’t about how much we can carry and how fast we carry it?
- What if leadership is about slowing down enough to know what belongs to us, what doesn’t, and to savor what matters most right now?
If this tension feels familiar, start by reclaiming one small “third space” in your day and protecting it like any other important commitment. And if you’d like a thought partner as you sort out what truly belongs to you in this season of leadership, you can explore ways to work with me—from 1:1 coaching to curated peer forums and strategic deep dives—here.
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